Romanian Jokes 2

1. – You, Romanian guy, do you have naked pictures of your wife?
- No.
- Aaaand…wouldn’t you like to have some?

2. God had had enough of people crossing from Heaven to Hell and vice-versa so he decides to make a fence between them. He calls Saint Peter, the one in charge with organizing auctions and tells him to bring the best builders. St. Peter, after long deliberations, brings in a Russian, an American and a Romanian. God starts questioning them:

- Russian guy, how much do you want for building my fence?
- 5000 euros. I use only the latest Russian technology and only the best Russian workers.

- You, American, how much do you want for building my fence?
- 10000 euros, but I use only the latest ultra-new technology: pillars with motion detectors, wireless cables, satellite server-connected video cameras, etc.

- Romanian guy, how much do you want for doing the fence?
- Well, 15 000 euros.
- And what do you include in that price?
- Well, I’ll give you 5000 euros for giving me the auction, I’ll take 5000 euros for winning the auction and the remaining 5000 euros we’ll give to the Russian guy to make the fence.

3. An elder Romanian wants to emigrate. While filling in the paperwork, he is asked why he wants to emigrate.

- Because of homosexuality.
- How so?
- Well, during communism it was punishable by law, after communism it was tolerated and now that we are in the EU marriages will be legal.
I’d like to leave now until it doesn’t become compulsory.

4. International contest: who manages to iron a shirt, eat a bread and “fix” a woman in 7 minutes.

The first contestant, a German guy. He starts industriously ironing the shirt, after which he realizes that he’s running out of time. He quickly bites into the bread and…the time is up!

The second contestant, a Russian man. Without thinking too much, he grabs the woman, “fixes” her, eats about half of the bread, then runs out of time.

The third contestant, a Romanian: he makes the woman iron the shirt, “fixes” her while she does that and eats the bread at the same time.

Press conference after the contest:

The German declares:

- That’s how we Germans are used to doing stuff. We work and try to do our job the best we can, then, if we have some time left, we have fun. If not, we start working again and so on.

The Russian:

- That’s how we Russians are used to doing business. First we have fun and then, if we have some time left, we eat and if we still have some time left, we eventually work a little.

Finally, the Romanian declares:

- That’s how it is in Romania: to manage to eat a bread (aka “earn a living”) , you have to fvck the one who does the work !!!

5. A man who was so drunk he couldn’t walk straight, stumbled every 2 seconds on his way. A policeman stops him and asks:

- Where are you going at 4 in the morning?!
- I’m going to attend a conference on the negative effects of alcohol.
- Who the hell lectures at this hour?
- My wife.

6. A Romanian, an American, a German, a Russian and a Turk participate in a contest. Each has to praise their country of origin. The Russian says they’ve got the most beautiful women, the Turk that they have the best rugs, the German that they have the best military tactics and the American that they have the best precision. Seeing what the others had said, the Romanian ponders for a while and finally answers:

- We Romanians, we f*uck Russian women on Turkish rugs with an American precision and German tactics.

7. Napoleon comes back to life and visits the USA, the USSR and Romania.

After his visit to the USA, he tells the president: “If I had had your military equipment and training, I wouldn’t have lost the battle of Waterloo!”

He goes to the USSR and at the end of his visit, he tells the Russian president: “If I had had your KGB and espionage system, I wouldn’t have lost the battle of Waterloo!”

He comes to Romania and, at the airport, before leaving, he tells Ceausescu: “If I had had your press, television and media, no one to this day would have known I lost the battle of Waterloo!”

8. One day before the beginning of the school year, the form teacher and some pupils were working hard to clean and arrange their classroom for the first school day. The teacher instructed Bula (the Romanian national ‘hero’) where to hang Ceausescu’s portrait. Picture, hammer and some nails in hand, Bula climbed a chair and attempted to nail the portrait up but he couldn’t. One by one the nails bent. Very upset with not accomplishing the task, Bula went back to his form teacher and said: “I’m sorry, teacher, but this one can’t be hung, he’s got to be shot!”

9. The government of Romania has decided the followings:
1. Starting with 01.01.2011 all the retirees can cross the street at the red light;
2. If we do not obtain good enough results, starting with 01.02.2011 crossing the street at red light will become compulsory.
3. If still, by any chance we do not have good enough results and the economy doesn’t start moving forward, all the government payees become part of this program starting with 01.03.2011.
4. Starting with 01.04.2011 the government of Romania offers non-paying jobs for everyone.
5 . To save energy, the temperature in your homes will be measured under the duvet. If the temperature exceed 16 degrees Celsius, your duvet will be confiscated!

10. Twenty Reasons not to Leave Romania

Because you can always leave Romania, no one is keeping you here by force.

Because here the others are ready to share everything they have with you: the bad music in their cars, the flu in the buses and their wife at home.

Because in our country you can become PhD Doctor in Sciences only if you can prove that you know less than a secondary school pupil;

Because here a sailor has become president. Can you imagine how far can you get if you’re a fireman or a mechanic?

Because in Romania there are more Jeeps than there are millionaires and there are more millionaires than there are companies.

Because we find it natural to receive everything without giving anything in return.

Because Romania is the only country in the world where you get a bonus on your salary as a spectator to others’ work called “indemnizatie de conducere”.

Because only here can you enjoy the proverbial Romanian hospitality. In traffic, everyone wants to intimately know your mother, to love your children, your dead relatives and your saints.

Because we are the only people for whom “thief” (“hotule”) is actually a word of endearment.

Because only here can we badmouth Hungarians,Bulgarians, Moldavians, etc…and be considered funny at the same time.

Because we have the best shaorma even if Arabs are a minority.

Because here someone can be called Simona Sensual without necessarily being a porn actress.

Because we have several Silicon Valleys, but not between two California hills, but between two Dorobanti tits.

Because here you can become a driver without actually passing an exam.

Because only in Romania could we organize a 3000 km “avoid-the-obstacles” championship (horse-drawn carts, holes in the roads, stray dogs dying of hunger and dead-drunk homeless people).

Because on Romanian land, snow is considered holy. Once it sets on the streets, no one will touch it for a month.

Because in Romania we take breaks before starting work.

Because Romanians are very attached to the idea of politeness. They are so attached that they won’t throw you a simple “good day”.

Because we buy perfume after the name (label) and not the smell.

Because when all places in Hell will be occupied, Romania will become the back-up destination. Those who stay here will be exempt from paying transportation taxes.